My Very First Post!

First of all, I'd like to introduce this blog by saying that I am putting this blog together to save my own sanity, but I will post information that could help other people, too.

I'm involved with a narcissist. I have had my illusions about him shattered completely. After finding out about an affair, after being lied to and smirked at, I just got tired of it and went into full-out stealth mode and started snooping.

I used keyloggers and recorders and thank you, Jesus, for GPS and the cell phone bill.

I found out that on a good day, he would tell me one thing that was the whole truth. Everything else was either a half-truth or a flat-out lie.

So I went from the shock of finding out about the affair, to finding out that I did not know him at all. AT ALL. Everything he told me was fabricated, which meant that everything in MY life, all of MY decisions, were based on lies. He had robbed me of my will to choose.

To add insult to injury, I had what I thought was a close relationship with his mother. In reality, she and her son had a very messed-up relationship, and she used me as a means of getting information on the kids. She would also report back anything I said to him. To my face, she said whatever she thought I needed to hear.

Needless to say, I could not put all the little diseases and nasties back in the box. And when I confronted my narcissist without proof, he lied his ass off again.

When I finally confronted him with proof, he ended up pushing me into a wall, breaking my nose, then dragging me outside of the house and throwing me out.

I did allow him to come back, which was a HUGE mistake. I should have pressed charges and moved the fuck on.

While his initial reaction was begging and pleading, it quickly became apparent that he showed absolutely no remorse. He even goes so far as to threaten me every chance he gets. The beast has absolutely been uncaged. He has not laid (much) of a hand on me, but I can feel it is coming. He is a monster.

My family all want me to get rid of him, but they don't know about the physical threats. That's partially the reason why I have retreated here: he reads my blog elsewhere. So do they, and even without knowing about the emotional abuse and physical threats, they get upset reading about it.

To spare them while I continue living in hell (and saving up for my retreat out of here), I will write here, anonymously. I make very little compared to what he makes. We have 3 children together, 1 of whom is disabled. She adores him, as only a 3-year-old can adore her Daddy. He has already stated that he would rather be in jail than pay child support; he would definitely flip out over the child support payment. He doesn't pay the bills; what he does is give me just enough money to pay bills. I have to beg and plead for the rest, so until I start making some money or I win the lottery, I can't afford to leave, and I can't afford to fight him in court. We make so much that we don't qualify for anything, but the kids and I don't see it. His 401K and his friends and girlfriends see the rest of it.

Right now, the walls in the house need to be painted (we had to repair them because he put me through one of them and he punched the other one with his elbow when he found out that I was going to my cousin's wedding because he doesn't like her); we have at least 3 interior doors that need to be repaired, the locks need to be redone, the front door doesn't work and has to be kept deadbolted all the time, the tiles on the kitchen counter are falling off, and our teenage sons share a room so that he can have a computer room. Yet and still, what does he want to do next? Build himself yet another building in the backyard. Right over the mound of dirt that he dragged out there because one of his cronies actually built a garden and all he did was grow weeds. Right next to the pool that has lain dormant for the last couple of years because I stopped him from inviting prostitutes over (they were, of course, just friends).

Can you see the insanity in just experiencing everyday life with this man? To whom shall I vent who would not tell me that living in a cardboard box would be better than this?

And one day, I will have that cardboard box with my kids and be happy. I don't think it's safe or prudent right now.

But I've got hope and a plan.